Understanding the Trauma Bond: Why You Can Love and Hate Someone at the Same Time
Have you ever left a relationship and found yourself missing the very person who hurt you? Feeling broken-hearted and relieved at the same time? If so, you're not alone — and you're not crazy. In this week's episode of That's Where I'm At, Laura opens up about one of the most misunderstood dynamics in abusive relationships: the trauma bond.
What Is a Trauma Bond?
After leaving her 33-year marriage, Laura was hit with a wave of confusion. How could she hate someone and miss him desperately at the same time? The answer, she discovered, lies in brain chemistry. The trauma bond is a real, physiological response — a cocktail of oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, cortisol, and adrenaline that keeps us chemically attached to our abuser. What makes it especially confusing is that the person hurting us is also the person soothing us. That push and pull creates an attachment that feels almost impossible to break.
The Slot Machine Effect
Laura describes the cycle of narcissistic abuse as being like a slot machine. You never know when the reward is coming, but you know it will — so you keep pulling the lever. This intermittent reinforcement is what keeps survivors in relationships long past the point of pain. It's not weakness. It's psychology. And it's by design.
She shares how her ex would often wait until they were driving home from a party to point out everything she'd done wrong — her laugh was too loud, her opinions were embarrassing. These moments kept her small, quiet, and constantly second-guessing herself.
Why You Couldn't Just Walk Away
One of the most powerful moments in this episode is Laura's reminder: you weren't addicted to him — you were addicted to the hope of who he pretended to be. Survivors stay because they've witnessed the good version. They live off hope. And there's no shame in that.
How to Start Healing
Laura walks through several concrete steps for breaking the trauma bond:
Name it. Say out loud, even just to yourself: "I was in a trauma bond. This was abuse." You can't heal what you refuse to acknowledge.
Go no contact. This isn't cruelty — it's survival. Every time you check their social media, you're feeding the bond. Block, unfollow, protect your peace.
Journal. Keep what Laura calls a "list" of the real behaviors — the lies, the put-downs, the betrayals. When your brain romanticizes the good times, go back to the truth.
Rebuild your identity. Narcissistic abuse slowly erases you. Reclaim what you gave up — your hobbies, your dreams, your voice.
Find your people. Whether it's a trauma-informed therapist, a support group, or a community like Laura's Nice Guy Recovery Community, healing happens in connection.
You Are Not Broken
Hating him and missing him doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. Your nervous system did exactly what it was trained to do. The confusion isn't a sign you made a mistake leaving — it's a sign of how deep the bond went.
Healing is not linear. But every single minute you move forward counts.
If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Find everything mentioned in the show notes, and join Laura and a community of women healing together.
